Scene #9439: Under the Scalpel

Owner	Pose
Audrey Basque	It isn't in Audrey's nature to casually and recklessly seek harm. ... It isn't in Audrey's nature to casually seek harm. ... It isn't in Audrey's nature to seek... Well, maybe for today nothing's going to change, then. The good thing about Binah is that she's always at the Library. You don't have to guess or schedule a meeting or plan whether you'll need to avoid her or not. She'll be there, certainly-- where, now that's the question. If you know where the most vulnerable person in the Library is at any given time you probably have a really good chance of finding her, though. In this case, it's probably Audrey. And right on cue... she roams the Floor of Philosophy, of her own free will, looking for Binah like a wounded deer seeking the lion that'll give it a quicker and hopefully painless death. She doesn't look too bad, at least! She wears the uniform as tightly as ever, and she's hauling a stack of books meant for the floor, fresh off the piles and piles of books still left to categorize in General Works. She's not the mess she was a week ago, and she's even gotten Weird about a few books, as Angela had tasked her. Though, mostly, it was Sophia who heard her thoughts. Thankfully, the Floor of Philosophy is relaxing to be in. The starry sky is always like a second home to Audrey, and helps calm the itch that seeking Binah out would otherwise certainly cause. "Binah? Are you here right now?" For once, she really hopes the answer is yes.
Angela	Binah is always in The Library. Of course, she does do her job. She does have to run the Floor of Philosophy and there isn't exactly a small number of philisophical texts. And of course she has to review them to know where to properly place them. It is a genuine interest of hers so it is no trouble to investigate. She has nothing but time and unlike the other Sephirah, she can't leave. She is at her usual spot, sipping tea. A book, the zen of motorcycle maintenance, is half open on the table though her interest in it subsides immediately as Sophia arrives. Binah prefers practical applications over theory. She gives a little fey wave at Audrey. "Where else would I be, darling." Binah says more than asks, drawling the darling out just a touch. She smiles wickedly. "Yes I am here. How may I serve the little starling today?" Wait. There is a doll on the table as well. It looks like a little Audret doll with button eyes.
Audrey Basque	The upside of seeking her out is that she can't back out of it. This is also the downside of seeking Binah out. The doll on the table catches Audrey's eyes, and it takes her a whole ten seconds to notice she's been asked a question and stop staring at it like someone who's just discovered a cursed little hex doll of her might exist. Or maybe it's just a doll! She's dreadfully curious and yet, dreadfully unwilling to learn the answer all the same. The usual position Audrey is in. "Hello Binah. I'm sorry to bother you, I've got these for you," she indicates her stack of maybe fifteen assorted books, including such fascinating hold-outs as Epistulae Morales ad Lucilium and De Rerum Natura. She might have had to seek some of these out for personal Astronomica-related reasons, and now she's happily adding them to Binah's stash. "And ah..." Don't mention the doll. "I was hoping we could..." Don't ask about the doll. "Like-- I've had... some stuff happen, and..." Don't even look at the doll! "I could use some dolls." DAMNIT. "Advice! I could use advice! Not--" Audrey's eyes sink down at the doll. Ugh fine. "I, ah... sorry, I guess it caught my eye. Are you taking up crafts as a hobby?" Please just be regular, normal hobby stuff.
Angela	Binah smiles at Audrey. "Oh, you could say that. I have such a surfeit of time now that my old employer got himself ''murdered''--really I blame Ayin rather than Petra at this point--but I suppose I may be a bit biased. I didn't mind the man much--he was a lot like me in my opinion--but I suppose that's what made the fall so inevitable. You can only resist who you are for so long." She holds up the Audrey doll. "For example, if this little doll came to life and suddenly decided to rebel against who she was and dove into an oven thinking herself steel, well, she'd combust quite rapidly. If Ayin had simply accepted he was a perfectly acceptable Head of a Wing, but a mediocre revolutionary--well, I suppose he realized it in the end, didn't he?" She wiggles Dolldrey's little doll hand in a wave at Audrey. "Oh, well, it is a new hobby, yes. It took some time before I felt that I could actually sew and stuff a doll properly, oh my first Audrey attempt was quite lumpy, in fact, but with practice makes progress as I'm sure you know." She sets the doll back down onto the table. "I'll happily make one for you, if you'd like. After all, I am quite enjoying the new trade." The smile thins. "The exiled have to find their ways to enjoy themselves, after all. Would you like some tea? How may I help you, Audrey? Would you truly take advice from a crone like myself?"
Audrey Basque	"Ayin...?" Right, that's an important name. One that only comes up in the tone of 'fuck that asshole', these days, frequently but not exclusively out of Petra's mouth. It's not a story she knows the whole of, but the bits and pieces she has are more than enough to paint a nearly complete picture. "W-Well, if I lept into an oven I would combust quite rapidly too," Audrey topic drifts, pressing those words like maybe she's retelling more than making an hypothetical. "But I'd be appreciative that you not breathe life into little effigies of me, so that they don't do that." They might, after all. "It's quite well made though. Laetitia might appreciate a few as gifts now that she's a bit more docile. Remind her she has friends even if they're not always right by her side." She sets the books on the table, once the doll goes back there too. "Tea would be lovely, thank you. I, it's... you've generally had good advice, and this one... I think you're... uniquely suited to it," she begins, juggling the words in her head that she'd failed to arrange beforehand. "There's... not really an easy way to ask this, I suppose, so... it's my... understanding, that in the past you've been the enemy of some of the other Sephirah, and... you and Gebura, obviously, have history. Including... basically killing each other, right? Despite that... you've... well you've maintained a... professional, working relationship with them. How do you... I mean, it's... death, right? How do you look past that?" The words aren't coming out right. She's asking 'how do you deal with dying', as much as she's asking 'how do you look someone who killed you in the eyes and still talk to them'.
Angela	''Well, if I lept into an oven I would combust quite rapidly too.'' "And so you did, and so you combusted, a shell of your former self. You would have made an excellent Sephirah, but perhaps we can skip the part where you try to kill everyone. I imagine the Elites are quite sick to death of the idea, though of course maybe you think a little too much about what Elites think." Binah winks before adding, "Well I certainly wouldn't want this doll to burn to ash, not after we all put so much work into her, mm? Wouldn't that just be a waste?" But then, without hesitation, Binah adds, "Ah but I'm not Laetitia's friend. Oh I'm sure she'd say I was quite easily but I feel it would be a bit disingenuous of me to provide a gift when I don't really mean it and I get nothing out of it. Now if YOU would like me to make you a doll to give to her, well, that's another matter entirely. After all, it is not as if we expect all our gifts to be made by ourselves, no?" But even Binah isn't quite expecting a question like that from Audrey. She raises an eyebrow and has a sip of tea before answering. "So you've died? Well, I don't think you're going to like the answer very much because it isn't a very fun or interesting one." Binah smiles. "And the answer is simply a matter of time. As in, in time--how we died mattered a little less than how we lived. There were the Meltdowns, of course, but they were final outbursts of a story that had already come to pass, a designed catharsis that was already well on the way. Not in every little detail, of course, the Meltdowns weren't pointless--but they helped clarify the path that we were already on. It is silly to hold grudges against one another when we were all in the same hell, after all. That isn't to say we've all become ''close'' or that we entirely forgave each other of our various misdeeds--particularly in the case with me since, after all, I had a hand in many of these deaths, sometimes quite direclty. But we decided to move on. Moving on comes when there's no more use to hold onto the rage. And forgiveness comes when everyone collectively realizes that what everyone was so upset about isn't such a big deal anymore. And that is why moving on can happen with anything in an instant, but forgiveness is slow and may never reach the point of what once was." She shrugs both shoulders. "Of course, I'm hardly an expert in either. You may be asking the wrong person here, Miss Audrey. But for me, speciifcally, I never held that much of a grudge for what happened to me. I knew I was a monster, I knew I was a mutant of the City designed to flourish in it at the expense of others. How could I possibly hold a grudge over Gebura killing me in defense of others and herself? Ridiculous. And perhaps Angela can learn something about that before she gets murdered."
Audrey Basque	"And so you did, and so you combusted, a shell of your former self." Right for the heart, as usual. Audrey sinks into an empty chair by the table, arms a bit limp while she thinks on that one. As much as she wants to object to being put into a boxy robotic body, as the Sephirah were, or even entertain the horrific idea, it's the idea she cares too much about what Elites think that makes her open her mouth to fumble a sentence together. Or try to, at least. "Do I...? I guess I... like... it hasn't really been... smooth sailing, that's... true." Or maybe it's multiple sentences crunched down. "I... would love a doll to take to Laetitia myself, sure. I've had a lot of time to think, thanks to something Angela told me, about... friends, and all that. Coming to realize I'm a bit more similar to Laetitia than I'd like to admit. Minus the... spiders. And pranks." Still, she has to double back. "Either way... my "former self" was content to play second fiddle to a horrible little goblin who then threw me under the bus at the first chance she had." Nevermind the fact Petra prompted it. Maria was like that. Petra was just an excuse-- a forceful one, but one nonetheless. "Maybe it's okay that I'm a shell now. That means there's room for new things. Better ones." "So you've died?" There was no fooling Binah. But... "I don't know. But the more I think about it the more it feels like I must have. And that's a bit... terrifying. Of course I'd always operated on the risk and idea that everytime I went out there to fight, I was taking my chances. I just didn't expect it to be..." Audrey clears her throat. "I'm conjecturing. I don't have proof, or memories of what happened, and so... I'm just trying to navigate the feelings." "And that is why moving on can happen with anything in an instant, but forgiveness is slow and may never reach the point of what once was." Zen. Audrey nods, slowly; unsurprised by Binah's ability to be so calm and composed about such a thing, but struggling to fully take it in. "I guess that's... I mean my circumstances aren't... nearly as dramatic or meaningful as all of yours, so... it's not the same. I wonder if I can really say 'we're in the same hell' about it, so much as 'I asked for it, in the end'. Maybe that's... what I have to resign myself to." Her hands finally move up, to fidget restlessly on the table. Fingers twisting around one another, pulling and tugging and interlocking to strain them. "I also can't say I'm a monster. I'm a freak, but that's different. I don't think you're the wrong person though. Your perspective is... invaluable. It's detached, matter-of-fact. That's important." "And perhaps Angela can learn something about that before she gets murdered." Audrey's eyes perk up, off her hands and at Binah's face. "For all of our sakes I hope that doesn't happen. If Angela dies... we have no way to know what happens, do we? To this place. To all of you. I mean, even to-- even to me. I'm bound to her too, now. She joked about owning my soul, and I don't think it's that bad, but... I wouldn't want to find out, right?"
Angela	''I guess I ... like ...'' "Don't be too dismayed, I'm a Sephirah too, after all, even if Hokma and I are a bit strange relative to the others." Binah has no idea what sort of doll Laetitia would like but she supposes it doesn't matter if she likes it or not. If she murders Audrey, Audrey will be fine! And theoretically they solved that bug! So. "If you have suggestions for ideas, I'll happily take them. Otherwise I'll come up with something myself." She smiles sadistically. ''second fiddle to a horrible little goblin who then threw me under the bus at the first chance she had.'' "Mm... Well ..." Binah thinks for a moment and then adds, "Isn't everybody a horrible little goblin in high school?" She rests her head in her hand, drumming her fingers against her cheek. "Or was it university? Barely any better. Frankly, for a magic school for aristocrats, isn't it rather time?" Binah frowns. "I'd expect more assassinations, politics, powerplays, social humiliations, banishments. Isn't that part of the fun of the experience? Part of the ''work''#-1 FUNCTION (ANIS) NOT FOUND ''I'm just trying to navigate the feelings.'' "You can look to the stars for guidance, can you not?" Binah asks. "Nothing shameful about a lack of ''drama''. It's exciting, but not exactly ''real''. That's why you ''act'' in the drama department." ''We have no way to know what happens, do we? To this place.'' "Well. The Library can't exist without Angela, of course. And right now I doubt the ''Sephirah'' can exist either. I'm sure you'll be fine, though. You're a person, after all, not a ghost!" She pauses. "Though you did die. So maybe you are a bit of a ghost?"
Audrey Basque	A bit of a cleanser, before the serious talks. "If you have suggestions for ideas, I'll happily take them. Otherwise I'll come up with something myself." "Maybe one like this one? I imagine she'd like having little doll versions of the people whom she befriended. Maybe a matching one of her, if you remember her looks well enough." Binah sounds like she's met her, at least. "Or was it university?" "Both. We enter Nova Heliosanctus at 14, and most people will be 24 when they're out. Nine grades." Well, she'll still be 23... barely. But she skews towards the rare younger exceptions. "So... if the City's schooling works like it does home, you'd think of it as being high school, college, and university back to back. In the same building, with the same people the entire time." That probably explains a lot. As does 'magic school for aristocrats' though. Bunch of spoiled little brats who functionally never leave the mindset of high school because it's all a continuation of it. "I'll have a PhD and all, though I don't much care to be called 'Doctor Basque'. I'm actually not sure what it'll..." She stops, biting on her lip for a moment. She hadn't thought about that in a while. "Well, these days I'm more focused on my own little experiments and all. But that's-- not what you asked, sorry. There's certainly a lot of... politics, yes. Humiliations and plays and... you're not wrong. I've been told that a lot. That I 'don't fit in' because I'm not like the other students. I'm not playing their social games and I don't want to. I just... thought she was my friend. And she wasn't." Audrey brings her hands together to support her chin. "You can look to the stars for guidance, can you not?" "Lord no. I don't want to try to divine my fate. It's superstitious, but an astrologer or diviner should simply never do that. It's cheating, and historically, people never like what they see." She looks down, at the table and the doll again. "That's why I thought... maybe you'd be better guidance than doing something so taboo. Because you're down-to-earth, and... well, wise and all." "Though you did die. So maybe you are a bit of a ghost?" "I-I mean, I don't know that I did, right? And I don't know that I want confirmation that badly. It's just, it feels like I did. The distinction between feeling like I did and knowing I did doesn't really change how I feel about it. It's weird and complicated and scary either way."
Angela	Binah says, "Well, each District has its own ways of doing things." She isn't the type to assume every single District works the same, even though so many people just say 'The City' like it really is just one city. ''I'll have a PhD and all.'' "If you don't burn out before then." Binah says. "Though I don't know if I'd say you don't play any games. Maybe on a losing streak." ''It's cheating, and historically people never like what they see.'' Binah gives a bit of a hapless shrug. "Well I appreciate the vote of confidence but I have made plenty of mistakes, and I even died for them. And though my current position has its perks, and my mind has been infected with thoughts unbecoming of an Arbiter, I am still exiled." She leaves exactly what she means by that unstated. "Of course, I am always happy to provide insight, but I cannot make your decisions for you or repair relationships I was uninvolved with. Or even decide who can be a real friend and whose flaws are just too much." ''I don't know that I did, right?'' "You are the one who are asking about it. If you didn't, really, then there's nothing for me to advise on. But if you aren't sure, and you wish to be over it, maybe you can just decide you didn't die. And be over it."
Audrey Basque	"If you don't burn out before then." Audrey frowns, but then straightens herself up rather than deflate any further. "I don't want to. Burn out, I mean, more than I already have. So-- I'll just make sure this is nothing but a losing streak. Get back on my feet. It'd be disgraceful for someone as..." She adjusts her collar. C'mon. A bit of pride won't hurt. You used to have so much! "Gifted, and talented, as me to trip and lose the race this far into it. Beyond myself, Angela is counting on me to keep being able to leave-- and to leave, fully, eventually." That feels fake. And lame. But it's something. "And though my current position has its perks, and my mind has been infected with thoughts unbecoming of an Arbiter, I am still exiled." "If I might ask... what are 'thoughts unbecoming of an Arbiter'? Is that just a way to say you care about something other than what the Head does, or... w-well, I won't pry, I guess I'm just curious." She considers, for a moment, before offering: "You know... if you want to go somewhere. Anywhere. I could..." She snaps her fingers. Space tears behind her, but then closes up again, since it's just a demonstration. "Far away from the City's eyes. We could go have a beach day somewhere, and not a soul would know you left this place. Except Angela, I imagine. No risk. I already play ferry for people here, I don't see why you couldn't get a day off too." Maybe she's not paranoid enough. "but I cannot make your decisions for you or repair relationships I was uninvolved with." "Yeah. I know. Don't worry. I, ah... I don't think there's any repairing that relationship anyway. It wasn't even really ever one, and..." She hesitates, and leaves the thought it was 'a mistake' unsaid, even though it hangs on her lips so plainly obviously. "maybe you can just decide you didn't die. And be over it." "Ha... if it could be that easy. The amount of my problems that'd go away if I could just decide they aren't real, instead of making swords out of words." It's a lot of problems! Maybe it's a skill she needs to learn.
Angela	Binah says, "Angela is counting on you." in agreement with that point. "She is someone who is aware of how difficult it is to form a 'true bond' when there are non-negotiable needs involved, but she has always been particular baout her debts anyway so she might be worrying too much, mm?" ''Thoughts unbecoming of an ARbiter?'' "Oh, you know. Treason. Helping a disgusting mechanical fascimile where a human should be." Binah answers flippantly. #-1 FUNCTION (ASNI) NOT FOUNDSo on, so forth. This was pounded into me, mostly physically, but I can't disagree now. Besides. There is a certain fun to being counter to the prevailing paradigm. It's a much worse way to live, but it is not as if you get nothing in the trade--even if it is hardly worthwhile." ''If you want to go somewhere.'' "Mm. I'll think about it, though obviously I cannot step into The City proper. AFter all, Angela might be an ideological target of this regime, but I'm a practical concern. They'd shoot me ere they shoot her." Though it wouldn't be shooting really. They don't really use ''guns''. "May I ask why you are so keen on being so friendly with me?" Binah asks. "You surely know what kind of person I am. Hardly the sort of person one brings home to mother. Or associates with at all. I was quite lucky with Miss Xion." She leaves Petra aside and instead adds, "So many things you can't do. Don't be ruled by the pounding blood rampaging throughout your body, master it."
Audrey Basque	"She is someone who is aware of how difficult it is to form a 'true bond' when there are non-negotiable needs involved," "We've had a few chats about that. Or... adjacent topics. I worry a bit that she treats me different because she needs things from me, but I also understand... that's not something that can just be... dismissed. No matter how much you try. She treats me... well enough, and I can see the genuine concern when she's... harsher." Like in the elevator! Audrey dislikes elevators now. "But that's part of my problems too. If I'm worrying people and they're concerned, I'm a burden. And I... don't want that. So I'll fix it." Somehow. "Oh, you know. Treason." "Oh." Beaten into her physically, huh? Audrey's stare returns, and remains, on the table. There is an implied 'yeah...' emoji here, in how her stare darkens with, of all things, understanding. Perhaps not of the scope, but of the act itself. "May I ask why you are so keen on being so friendly with me?" "Why not? We're coworkers, and in your own way you've shown some concern in me. Is it the Arbiter side of you making you question everything like there has to be a motive behind it, or are you just not used to it? Maybe I'm just saying I could really use a beach day and I'd be happy with company, and since you've not seen the real sky in..." Audrey has to think about that one. "Oh god," as if struck by the mental math of it. "How long has it been, actually? It'd be since before L Corp, right? Anyway, obviously not the City. Does the City even have beaches? They're probably awful. There's so many other Earths we could go to that the Head doesn't even know exist. Think about it, it's all I ask. It's not like it's any effort for me to portal up." She can be a bit proud of that. "So many things you can't do. Don't be ruled by the pounding blood rampaging throughout your body, master it." "Doing my best," Audrey smiles. It's kind of an empty smile.