Scene #4812: Wanting To Be Human

Owner	Pose
Ainsley	Ainsley had read the story. She even refreshed her memory before deciding to invite Hikaru to the study. Her understanding was that the kumiho wished to become human, but had to perform barbaric acts in order to achieve this. That she was willing to do terrible things in order to be human told Ainsley a lot about Hikaru's personality, at least the part that formed the Persona. And Ainsley viewed it as a positive thing. Her own Persona came from her desire for true altruism... she performed good without thinking about what she could gain out of it, or for the sake of the improvement it would make in the lives of others, but she felt the consequences of these behaviors very strongly to the point her Persona seemed as weathered as the fisherman at the end of his story, where he viewed himself despite being told not to and was rendered into an elderly man. So she invited Hikaru up here to discuss Personas. She was not ambiguous about the intent in the invitation, and the invitation even had directions to her house! He would find it even leads him to where her study is on the second floor, providing helpful vocal directions activated by where he is in the house, like a magical form of GPS... though it's much simpler than that. She's currently just... reading. She has a chair pulled up in the center of the room she's seated in, and she's so engrossed in her book that she wouldn't notice Hikaru until he said something. It left him plenty of time to kick off his shoes, if he was in that habit, or to look around if he was confident enough to do so, and allowed him to approach her at his own pace.
Hikaru Kurosawa	It's a tricky question, Personas. Ran can attest that it's one Hikaru has stubbornly tried to ignore, and that worked out just fine while they were the only two Persona-users they knew about. But now they're part of a team, and... Well, people ask questions. He has to figure out a way to answer them somehow. Better to do it one-on-one, in person, instead of over the radio. The trip out is surprisingly uneventful. He's dressed in an obnoxiously lime shirt, with a tie emblazoned with music notes. (For some reason, the music notes have faces.) Hikaru remembers the location of the Warp Gate from when he and August went to practice shooting with Admiral Nagato. It's certainly a bit of a hike, but he's no stranger to walking, after all. Get to the gate, wish real hard about where you want to go - - which seems so /bizarre/ to him, he's never /been/ there, how can it /know/ - - and poof, he's there. It's weird, because if not for the fiery crystals, he could almost mistake it for Earth. Are all foreign worlds like that...? Hikaru tries not to stare too much as he follows the GPS-esque instructions to Ainsley's house - and, it turns out, /through/ Ainsley's house, which is real useful for not accidentally stumbling into her bedroom or anything. He takes off his shoes before he enters the house, old habits proving hard to kill once again, and follows the invitation's instructions to Ainsley's study. (The invitation helpfully points out the study door. "Yeah, thanks," Hikaru says, absently, before he realises he's talking to a piece of paper. Again. In his defense, it's a magical piece of paper, which is apparently something which can absolutely exist and isn't just a sci-fi tale. He folds it up and carefully slips it into his pocket.) Hikaru knocks on the doorframe, and steps inside. (From his pocket comes the muffled sounds of confirmation that he is, in fact, in the study now.) "Hey, Ainsley," he smiles, projecting an air of friendly confidence which is frankly /impressive/ for his first time alone in the multiverse, even disregarding everything else. "Your magic paper was real good at getting me here. You've got a lovely place here." He pulls up a chair, and sits down. "What're you reading?"
Ainsley	The cutesy voice the paper chimes is ignored, and it's only when Hikaru speaks up that she even registers that he exists in her vicinity. Ainsley blinks owlishly even then, the "Uh?" sound she does showing she was entranced with her book. Whatever the book is, she closes it and lays it in her lap, and helpfully indicates a seat across from her. There's a table set up in the room with snacks and a pitcher of lemonade with a couple glasses. No one would ever say she's a bad host. "Korean folk tales," she tells Hikaru, "In their original Korean of course, for the best accuracy." She shines a great big smile over at him after that, because it relates to what she wanted to talk to him about. She planned for him to show up while she was reading it, because she is very strange. "Lemonade?" she indicates to the snack table. "I'm glad the enchantment worked," she tells Hikaru, "It's supposed to read the input of various Multiversal GPS sources and give decent directions based off of that, but paper isn't a great enchantment material. It's best to use parchment, and that just..." She shakes her head. "It's a pain to get genuine parchment nowadays." "So I wanted to talk about Personas today. Specifically yours, to start with," she says, as she retrieves a tiny sandwich triangle from the table and brings it to her mouth to stuff it in her mouth.
Hikaru Kurosawa	Korean folk tales. Hikaru smiles, because if he didn't, he might show his trepidation. It's a well-practiced mitigation. "Impressive," he notes, when she mentions it's in the original Korean -- there might be some trick to it, the nebulous force which translates any language, but it still takes dedication to track down the original books. Ainsley offers lemonade, and Hikaru nods. "That would be wonderful!" He leans over and pours himself a glass, taking one of the snacks as well before he settles back in the chair - it disappears in a few quick bites, as if it were never there at all. He listens to Ainsley's description of the magical (/enchanted/) paper as he eats, and nods, as if he understood half of those things. Like how there's a multiversal GPS system. And why parchment is better. Yes, these are all /very normal things/ and he's just going to roll with them. Once his mouth is free again, he says, "that must be really annoying sometimes, huh? Not being able to track down the best tools for the job is always tough." But there's no way for banter to distract from the conversation at hand, not when Ainsley has set it up so exactingly. Hikaru spreads out a hand, the other still holding his glass of lemonade. "Well, as they say, I'm an open book." This is, of course, a blatant lie, but he sells it with a winning smile. "What would you like to know?"
Ainsley	Ainsley chewed on the sandwich she retrieved for her own enjoyment, taking her sweet time before swallowing down the morsel. She shined a smile at him while her eyes seemed to read him actively, not in the magical sense but in the way someone might do when someone claims to be an open book. She was clearly skeptical of the phrase... it was so rarely the case, and even she didn't fully divulge her feelings to the people around her. "Your Persona, the Fox Sister... I know the story. The kumiho sought out human livers so that she could be human. She killed in order to make herself into someone that could blend in. In essence, she would do anything to look human, even kill those near her." She carefully reads his face while she says that, aware that the story bothers him. "You are not the Kumiho," she points out, firmly, "But you do want to be human. You do everything you can to attain that humanity. I can see it in how you behave: Your job, your personality, your face, your posture, your clothes... You even force yourself to smile when you don't want to. You go out of your way to make yourself look friendly, and I bet it stresses you out sometimes." "Are you afraid of being worse than you are?" she asks.
Hikaru Kurosawa	The points are laid out with surgical precision, so expertly that even Hikaru's unflappable smile falters for a moment. It's the sort of analysis he'd expect from himself, and a chilling reminder that even he has tells which other people can pick up on. It's clear to him he hasn't been careful enough. Was he /ever/ careful enough? He covers up his faltering by taking a sip of lemonade, which conveniently hides his lips. "You missed an important part of the story," he points out, his voice quieter now, more serious. It's a strange departure from his usual light and easy tone. "Her father wished for a daughter - any daughter, even a monster. That wish was granted... and it tore his family apart." He takes another sip of his drink, and speaks over the lip of the glass. "It is not a question of being worse than I am. It is a question of being /better/."
Ainsley	Ainsley considers how he chose to reply to her. That he focuses on correcting her recounting of the story and that he took that tone as he did it, and that he emphasized the optimistic view of the same idea, repainting it in his own light. "You're deflecting." She says it very calmly, as if it didn't bother her at all. Because it doesn't. "That's fine, though. It's how you present yourself now that matters, right?" The way she phrased it like someone trying to reach the very core of how he's behaving in this very moment. Trying to connect or understand, in her own way. "Sorry about how unpleasant that was... I see these feelings in others; fear, self-consciousness, frustration. It's hard to ignore that you struggle with how your Persona manifested, and I wanted to understand where that fear comes from. But you should explain on your own time." "Now... your turn," she murmurs, as she reaches over to pour a glass of lemonade, finally breaking eye contact.
Hikaru Kurosawa	Hikaru sighs. "Yes, I suppose I am. Fine work, Ainsley. You're a natural." Because it /was/ fine work -- she's done this before, he's sure, or else she's got a genuine gift at cutting through psychological chaff. Or perhaps it's magic! With Ainsley, it just might be magic. Whatever the reason, she effortlessly laid bare everything, even things he didn't know he'd been signalling at all. It's a dangerous sort of power to have. ... it's always the quiet ones. But she says she just wants to understand, and allows him an out, and everything Hikaru knows about Ainsley suggests it's a genuine statement. He bites at the inside of his cheek, frowning to himself as she passes the ball over to him. "Urashima Taro," he says, after a moment, his tone lighter but still a little muted. "It's a familiar story in my country. It goes right back to the Nara period, doesn't it? A fellow saves a turtle, gets invited to Ryugu-jo, and finds himself three hundred years in the future when he leaves. He's given his own personal Pandora's box, and ages terribly when he opens it - or turns to dust, but given what your Persona looks like, I don't suppose that's the version your soul took to." He takes a sip of his lemonade, and breathes out. "It's a story with a lot of angles, a lot of hooks to set in. Is it about the perils of foreign lands? The isolating effects of the older generation looking into the new? Doing things even when you're advised not to? But I think the story of Urashima-san is fundamentally one of kindness. There's a lot you can tell about someone by how they treat people weaker than them - and animals, too. He could have just kept walking along that beach, but he stepped in and defended that turtle, even though he was a fisherman and killed fish to eat himself. That says something about a person." "So," he says, lowering his glass to look over to Ainsley, "what do you think that says about you? Which angle would you choose to analyse with it?"
Ainsley	That really was the nature of it. Ainsley had the ability to see all that others signalled, even subconsciously, and it was difficult to turn off that sort of observant habit. She noticed it even when she wasn't looking for it because it was her nature, it was her soul. But she gave him the escape route, so to speak, because it pained her to twist people like that. She really did want them to come out of these with a better view of each other. "Mmh." A sound she makes in interest during the recounting of Urashima Taro's tale. She would nod and keep track of what he was saying, even as he suggested hooks and gave his own take. She smiled over at him as he took the positive view of it: She could just move on, but she helped people anyways, even though it was not built into her nature to do so. "Urashima Taro overlaps several facets in me. I want to help others... you've seen that. But I want to help them so I can prove I am a better person. It's a desire born of..." She actually struggles to phrase this part. "An underdeveloped idea of right and wrong. I never shook it when it started, when I was a child. My father would give me books about fantasy worlds--" She laughs and places a hand to her face. "Worlds of optimism, and hope, concepts that are at a premium in my world. It was why I joined the Union." She had to clarify, because she's from a magical world that most others would view as fantasy if they hadn't seen her for themselves. "It means that even though I try to help, and the rewards of doing so still come, it still wears me down, which might be where the aging comes from: I examine my feelings and the feelings of others too closely. I see pain that I could never possibly soothe, because I cannot connect with others, so perhaps it was better never to open that box." "But then you might see the tamatebako as my own heart. I struggled to be good, and yet I gazed deep into myself in a way I probably should not have, and it changed me forever. I'm not being metaphorical here, I actually did that, I looked at my own soul. Some accounts of the story reference a mirror being contained in the box, and I used a mirror to view the deepest corners of my soul." She drinks down a lot of lemonade after this, her feathers bristling a little. She settles down afterward, her eyes shut. "That story is cruel. Effectively, Urashima Taro was punished, in the end, for being a good person. But it doesn't stop me from trying."
Hikaru Kurosawa	'I want to help them so I can prove I am a better person,' Ainsley says, and sympathy tugs at Hikaru's heartstrings because it's the same thing /he/ wants. Perhaps they're not so different..? He listens attentively as she explains her relationship to the story, leaning forward and watching her with interest. The way she describes her world paints a bleak picture with only a few words. Helping people hurts, because there's pain you can't help; but you have to keep trying anyway. There's always value in trying, even when it's hard. She finishes her story, and Hikaru settles back into his chair. "It is pretty cruel," he agrees, "but I admire you for trying. Being a good person is easy when goodness is all you've known. Being kind when when the circumstances aren't so great... that takes effort, and it's worth acknowledging." He laughs, shaking his head. "Actually, if I'm being honest, it's something I can relate to. I was in, uh... let's just say a pretty bad place when I was younger. I learned a lot of things I'd rather not have had to. But I don't want to be that person, you know? So I try to be better. Even if my Persona reflects what I really am."
Ainsley	Ainsley has a hard time smiling after he says what he thinks of the Persona. She looks down into her glass of lemonade, finishing off the glass and grabbing another for herself. She has an awkward moment of silence. "My point is that our Personas are only a glimpse. They aren't our Shadows, they're the opposite. They aren't the whole of what we are, and they stand on the surface instead of deep below. There is a lot more to me than what Urashima Taro represents, and it is up to interpretation. It is the part of me I use to face the world around me. It is my 'persona,' the fragment of my self that shields and protects me and helps me face my fears. And that is how I feel about your Persona as well." "Fox Sister is your Persona because you don't want to be a monster. She represents the 'you' that constantly struggles to be human, because you don't want to hold the form of a monster. She is representative of everything good in you, and not the bad. She is the same as your smile and the way you strive to understand others. Her senses--" She sets the glass down and holds her fingers up to pantomime fox ears at him, "--represent your urge to seek out others and prove your humanity." "You aren't a monster, Hikky. You're the opposite of that. Is it alright if I believe that?" She shines a hopeful smile at him. It hurts for him to say that about himself. In a way, her words right now are just as indicative of her Persona as what she said about his own. She smiles at him and hopes she reaches him.
Hikaru Kurosawa	Ainsley refills her glass, and Hikaru refills his afterwards, because mimicry is an important part of human life. He lets her have her moment of silence, wondering if he's said too much. Personas are the surface layer, she says, and Hikaru nods. It holds up with all the Jungian concepts - after all, hadn't they even made a pamphlet about this, to help people with the background? The Persona and the Shadow, two separate sides, two different ways of understanding a person. And Ainsley goes on, putting the best possible spin on the regrettable myth his own soul reflected. She's him because he doesn't want to be a monster; she's him because he tries. Ainsley puts her fingers up to represent the Fox Sister's satellite-ears, and Hikaru chuckles, smiling and shaking his head. "Nice impression." The way she smiles to him, the way she tries so hard to convince him his Persona's not so bad... "You're a good person, Ainsley," Hikaru says, entirely genuine. His smile turns rueful for a moment as he glances away for a moment, before returning his attention to her. "Speaking plainly, it's hard for me to look at myself that way, but... I can accept you believe it." He hesitates, for a moment, before he smiles again. "... thank you."
Ainsley	Ainsley finds a way to reach him, or at least show that she cares. She was not sure what she expected, but she has to fight the urge to cry, her eyes glistening jussst enough as she sips from her glass. She doesn't believe she's inherently good, either, but when he says that she can at least feel like she did her best. She's come to accept that much, after all that she's seen. "Are the sandwiches good?" she wonders, leaning over to grab another of them. They're nothing special. Assorted lunchmeats and the like. She was very careful about arranging them fancifully, though. In fact, she starts fussing over rearranging them, because he almost made her cry and she's trying to push through the emotional haze. This is a painfully transparent moment of her. "Sometimes I wish I was a tortoise so I could hide in a shell," she frustratedly mutters as her own magical nature fights her attempts to hide her emotional state. She sits back in her seat and looks at Hikaru and tries to think of anything to say. "We've still got a long road ahead, huh..."
Hikaru Kurosawa	Hikaru notices - he always notices things like that. But the way she takes another drink, another sandwich, the way she starts fussing over the placement of the snacks... he can see she's trying to distract herself from it. So he answers, "I liked them!" And when she's done arranging them, he plucks up another one to devour in a moment. Honestly, he'd like to just eat them all, but that's an urge from long ago he's largely managed to wrangle down in the current day. Food isn't so scarce any more. He doesn't have to worry about eating everything he possibly can. The thought just stays at the back of his head, because maybe food won't be plentiful again one day. It always pays to be aware. "Or a little hermit crab," Hikaru muses, not directly touching her frustration but instead coming alongside it, "who always has his home on his back. It's hard to get tangled up when you can move whenever you need to." So long as the place you're moving too isn't too classy, where you'd get chased out... He shakes his head, and sips his lemonade. "Yeah. But we've come so far already," and it's really ambiguous whether he means Die Reisende or just their lives. "I think we'll muddle through okay, yeah? We'll get through it."